In case you hadn’t noticed. The English Premier League kicks off this weekend. Due to the huge amounts of money now in the game and the desire to spread it, as a product, to the world everyone knows it exists. If you know nothing about the teams here is a quick run down of what they are stereotypically about, so you can get involved with other peoples conversations.

Arsenal – Beautiful to watch, but likely to fall down when a team plays dirty against them. Prone to handicapping themselves by not scoring simple goals.

Aston Villa – From the outside they look like a professional outfit. Unfortunately they play football in the knowledge that disappointment is just around the corner. Manager provides light comic relief.

Bournemouth  Like Scrappy-Doo, they will bloody a few noses, but ultimately end up being an irritation.

Chelsea – Like a school bully. They are the strongest, have a villain as a manager and buy up the best young talent in the world to perpetuate their position.

Crystal Palace – Dangerous in their own back yard, although they lack the size to trouble the big boys away from home. Have a comedy manager.

Everton  Steady eddies, uncomfortable to play against, but prone to a few weeks off during the season, that kills their challenge.

Leicester – Hard working, traditionally English team. Managed by a ridiculed foreign manager. Chalk and cheese might work?

Liverpool – Used to be the very best. Now they are extremely irritable when you question that status. Spent a fortune and are managed by a delusional optimist.

Manchester City The rich kids, might win it all if they stop counting their millions and play. Like playing Football Manager with cheats on.

Manchester United – The most famous, now patching themselves back together with expensive second hand parts.

Newcastle United – Massive local support, ruined by a greedy owner and a mentally scarred boss.

Norwich – From the rural part of England. Celebrity Chef as a shareholder. Not fond of travelling away.

Southampton – The wolves of wall street. Buy low, sell high. Very well-oiled machine.

Stoke – Used to be ugly, now shockingly attractive. No-one knows how to deal with this change.

Sunderland – Like Newcastle, massive local support, but a good owner this time. A mystery why they continue to struggle.

Swansea – Small, compact and stylish. Comfortable again this season.

Tottenham Hotspur – Greedy, impatient owner probably prevents them getting any higher than sixth.

Watford – Nice bright kit, but so many new players, that they might struggle to know each others names.

West Bromwich Albion – Were a bit average, now turning increasingly ugly, with the capacity to ruin your betting slip every week.

West Ham – Under incredible pressure. Have been given gift of a new stadium but need to survive this year. New manager is a risk they didn’t need to take.

And there we are, next time your Football/Soccer loving friends are talking loudly about the premier league, join in.

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