2015 BPL Guide

The 2015 Stereotypical guide to the Premier League

In case you hadn’t noticed. The English Premier League kicks off this weekend. Due to the huge amounts of money now in the game and the desire to spread it, as a product, to the world everyone knows it exists. If you know nothing about the teams here is a quick run down of what they are stereotypically about, so you can get involved with other peoples conversations.

Arsenal – Beautiful to watch, but likely to fall down when a team plays dirty against them. Prone to handicapping themselves by not scoring simple goals.

Aston Villa – From the outside they look like a professional outfit. Unfortunately they play football in the knowledge that disappointment is just around the corner. Manager provides light comic relief.

Bournemouth  Like Scrappy-Doo, they will bloody a few noses, but ultimately end up being an irritation.

Chelsea – Like a school bully. They are the strongest, have a villain as a manager and buy up the best young talent in the world to perpetuate their position.

Crystal Palace – Dangerous in their own back yard, although they lack the size to trouble the big boys away from home. Have a comedy manager.

Everton  Steady eddies, uncomfortable to play against, but prone to a few weeks off during the season, that kills their challenge.

Leicester – Hard working, traditionally English team. Managed by a ridiculed foreign manager. Chalk and cheese might work?

Liverpool – Used to be the very best. Now they are extremely irritable when you question that status. Spent a fortune and are managed by a delusional optimist.

Manchester City The rich kids, might win it all if they stop counting their millions and play. Like playing Football Manager with cheats on.

Manchester United – The most famous, now patching themselves back together with expensive second hand parts.

Newcastle United – Massive local support, ruined by a greedy owner and a mentally scarred boss.

Norwich – From the rural part of England. Celebrity Chef as a shareholder. Not fond of travelling away.

Southampton – The wolves of wall street. Buy low, sell high. Very well-oiled machine.

Stoke – Used to be ugly, now shockingly attractive. No-one knows how to deal with this change.

Sunderland – Like Newcastle, massive local support, but a good owner this time. A mystery why they continue to struggle.

Swansea – Small, compact and stylish. Comfortable again this season.

Tottenham Hotspur – Greedy, impatient owner probably prevents them getting any higher than sixth.

Watford – Nice bright kit, but so many new players, that they might struggle to know each others names.

West Bromwich Albion – Were a bit average, now turning increasingly ugly, with the capacity to ruin your betting slip every week.

West Ham – Under incredible pressure. Have been given gift of a new stadium but need to survive this year. New manager is a risk they didn’t need to take.

And there we are, next time your Football/Soccer loving friends are talking loudly about the premier league, join in.

1 comment

Start/join the discussion

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: